|August 2, 2016|
You may remember seeing this picture of Nelson and Natalie running with their two balloons through Radnor Lake State Park back on our August 2nd due date. My “plan” was for them to release those that day in honor of our angel babies that we miscarried in December and March. Well, just being real, I forgot to blow them up with helium that day so in my heart I thought, “No biggie, I will let the kids run around and have fun with them today and then they can release them when we get to the next due date on October 2nd”...well, little did I know that we would be releasing three balloons today.
What a whirlwind of a month September was for us this year. On September 1st, much to our surprise, we found out the happy shocking news that I was pregnant. Too much to try and sum up here but I can say that all four of us were ecstatic and hopeful and praying for a miracle. I have continued to see our counselor so that I could face head on the trauma of our last two losses and we were very expectant and at peace trusting in the Lord’s perfect plan. Could not have asked for a happier month with visits to see family in Chattanooga, St. Louis, and in Auburn. Then on September 27th I had some spotting so we went to have an ultrasound just for peace of mind that everything was ok and found out the gut wrenching news that we were experiencing a third miscarriage. So on September 29th, 7 months after the last one, the process started over and I needed the Lord more than ever and He has made himself known more than ever.
I know that by nature I am a very positive person but hear me say that this past week has been tough. When the physical part hits, that is when the emotional part really hits me. Without going into the gory details, when I am passing everything and Brandon is rubbing my back and I am waking in the night due to the intense cramping and contractions and say, “This feels like labor. I wish this was labor. I just want our baby!!” Those are the moments you would not wish on your worst enemy. Then having to share with the children (Nelson who by the way prayed ever single day for a month that God would give us a baby and was literally jumping for joy the minute we heard the news and the “mayor” side of him was quite evident the entire month of September as he loved sharing with anyone he saw, “Guess what, my MOM has a BABY in her BELLY!” and now having to tell him that mommy went to the doctor and found out that there is no longer a baby in my belly - those are the moments you know that this world is not our home and you need the Lord now more than ever.
There is a dear family that we know and love and look up to them as mentors. They have three earthly children and as of a few weeks ago, just had their third miscarriage as well. They encouraged us so beautifully that, “There is no way around protecting our kids from grieving the miscarriages. It is part of the emotional process of growing up and maturing and we get the honor and privilege of leading them on how to take their grief to the Lord - we get to model proper grief response...With the surprise and unplanned part of this pregnancy, we all stood on the understanding that God plans all life and His plan was to increase our family. After our miscarriage, God revealed that He still is increasing our family just our family in heaven not on earth this time.” We can relate to every word of this. Such a beautiful picture of 2 Corinthians 1:3-4, “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”
This past week has been a tender time of experiencing firsthand the comfort of the Holy Spirit, and realizing the peace that we have felt is not anything that the world can give us. I only want to read God’s Word because I know nothing else can satisfy the desires of my heart. Tonight Brandon and I were recapping the day and even this past week by saying that we want the Lord more than anything in this life. We feel so blessed to know Him as our personal Lord and Savior, to have each other, our precious son and daughter, our dear family and friends, and so many other blessings that we could go on and on about and there is no mistaken that our hearts are sad and we must grieve this loss but I keep thinking of even when your prayers aren’t answered how you so prayed, HE IS STILL GOOD. We know that another baby is not what we need to be happy. Only the Lord is. No matter what, He is all we need.
We decided along time ago that we are not making any decisions based out of fear. So even going into the third pregnancy back in the Fall 2015, we knew this was a God given desire He had put on our hearts to have more children. When I think of the first miscarriage (December 14, 2015), I think of how we learned to be so THANKFUL for every single day of pregnancy. That little one went to Heaven at 7 weeks. Then when I think of the second miscarriage (February 29, 2016), I think of how we learned to have HOPE. When we saw that baby on the ultrasound and heard and saw the precious heart beating, I felt that the Lord was going to use this baby for us to share HOPE with the world and when this little one went to Heaven at 9 weeks, my counselor encouraged me that this baby would STILL be a message of HOPE to the world...even though I pictured this one in my arms as we shared the message, he or she will always be part of our story and therefore always be a part of sharing God’s HOPE with the world. And then the third miscarriage that we are experiencing right now that began at 8.5 weeks on September 29, 2016, has really shown me to be COURAGEOUS. Even in sharing our story in raw fashion right now, I felt there was no better day than today as we think of our three little ones that are in the arms of Jesus. This has been a wild ride these past ten months and certainly not what we thought things would be looking like on this day but the PEACE that God has given us that nothing is wrong, we are in His loving arms and under His loving care and He is leading and guiding us and taking care of us and our family and we can TRUST HIM no matter what, is a story I want to document so that we can always remember. EVEN WHEN our prayers don’t get answered the way we so prayed, HE IS STILL GOOD. So much more I could share but will wrap this up for now with these dear verses we are clinging to with our hearts and souls:
“For we are powerless against this great horde that is coming against us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you.” 2 Chronicles 20:12
“Do not be afraid and do not be dismayed at this great horde, for the battle is not yours but God’s...Stand firm, hold your position, and see the salvation of the LORD on your behalf, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid and do not be dismayed. Tomorrow go out against them, and the LORD will be with you.” 2 Chronicles 20:15-17
“You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.” Psalm 16:11
“I can never escape from your spirit! I can never get away from your presence!
If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the place of the dead, you are there. If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans, even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me.” Psalm 139:7-10
“The Holy Spirit helps us in our distress. For we don’t even know what we should pray for, nor how we should pray. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will.” Romans 8:26-27
“So we do not lose heart. Thought our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18